you and me

hot and cold

emotions can bring you on a real roller coaster ride. one moment you're cruising along fast and furious, like there's no care in the world. then suddenly, you're a body of tension just building up, slowly but surely. then lastly you plunge so fucking hard that you just wanna scream but nothing comes out.

i saw him for the first time today. although i don't think much of him, i won't be saying that to you. it'll just make me seem like a sore loser. if you're happy, no matter how hard this will be for me, i still want you to be happy.

of course, there are darker times when i'm a selfish piece of shit, but these moments are getting less frequent. but it doesn't mean the pain is less real.

and when i think about you spending so much time with him, it's so sad. that was how we used to be. when i saw you sitting side by side with him, i wanted to cry. how long have we not sat in that same way?

i walked past takashimaya alone today, and i remembered that was the place where we met for the second time. that feeling of excitement, nervousness and feeling of permanent nausea. i miss it and i miss you.

but i know once a person has left, he isn't really there anymore. when we parted today, you texted me saying, "hope you're fine. and thanks for being so cool about it. see you soon."

no phone call, no reply after. just that. are you being this way so that i will give you up, or is it that you just don't care for me anymore. i really don't know.

i want to move on so badly, which is why i met you and him together today. i'm angry with myself for being so emotionally weak.

but in the end, i still wonder if you'll ever come back to me.

i love you so much.

with a stranger

after i met char, i felt so lost and frustrated.

lost without you. emptiness. just the thought that you're no longer mine to call, just really kills me everytime i think about it. i imagine you being with someone else, and the worst part is that you loving him back.

and i'm frustrated. angry with myself for holding on to someone that has obviously moved on, and is happy. i feel bad pouring my troubles to my friends, though they say they don't mind, it makes me feel weak, stupid and clingy. i hate it.

so i spent some time alone, and i did it with a stranger.

i was so angry

till I heard your voice. all the anger just drained away and its my fault again.

sometimes

i just think that no matter what reasons you give, the bottom line is I'm not as important to you as you are to me.

cos if I were, would you be in love now?

totally non-suicidal

you need to die to heal.

denial or acceptance?

firstly, i love you so much, and it really really hurts that we are fading out of each other's lives so fast. i don't know if distancing myself from you is my best decision, and whenever i think about it... :(

but it's the hard truth that i'm able to get you off my mind so much easier now. and when i do, i feel better. but i wonder if i'm just escaping the pain for now because whenever i do think about you, the pain is still as real.

i miss you so much. if only.

friends

without them, this ordeal would probably be so much more unbearable.

bummed

fell asleep last night feeling so much better, but today it's as if i'm back to square one.

i'm conversing with so many people, but it just doesn't seem right at all. my interest level for today is 0.

only you can make it all go away.

my first post comes almost after a month

firstly, this blog is for you.

every post that i write in future, it's with you in mind. i love you, and probably always will. you are my soulmate and my motivation in everything i do.

without your love, my world has since become darker, and everything seems so much less interesting. if only you knew, really really knew how important you are to me, and how you leaving me has affected my life.

today, i had a nap in the afternoon. it was one of the few times since that day that i had no trouble drifting off to sleep. i felt kinda happy, so maybe that's why my dreams were happy too. in them, you and me together like before. i felt so so so happy. i love you so much.

but then i woke up, and the sadness and despair that hit me was crushing. it was like i had the wind knocked out of me, and every single bit of happiness was drained out - leaving me only with sadness so intense it physically hurt.

thank God for friends. just got off the phone at this ungodly hour with shonia, and i really do feel better. like the lingering pain from afternoon's dream just vanished.

i must/will move on.